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Author Topic: Repeating history  (Read 2907 times)
Doomed
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« on: August 13, 2006, 09:18:22 PM »

Hello,
            I would like to take the time to share my story, and hope it doesn't sound to much like a 'poor me' situation. I am the oldest of three children. I grew up around a very jealous and controlling father. He was okay in the sense that he would help us if we were in trouble, but emotionally I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about how I felt. Growing up I remember a lot of fights between him & my mom. I wasn't always sure what the fights were about, but I do remember there were times where it became out of control. I remember him locking my mother out of the house because she came home an hour late with her cousin one evening ( I can only assume now he thought she was cheating). I also remember times he would show up to her work on her lunch break to check up on her. Again another jealous issue. Finally, when I was about 16 they divorced. We were in northern California. I remember it as it were yesterday. They got into this huge fight and my mother told him she was leaving him and taking us back to Los Angeles with my Grandmother. He went completely berserk. You would of thought that it was the end of the world or something. He was crying uncontrollably begging us to stay, getting down on his hands and knees. I think he even threatened to kill himself. It was a difficult time for all of us.

It's now 2006 almost 18 years later and I'm 34. I haven't had many relationships in my life (compared to some men). My first girlfriend was when I was 20. She was almost perfect, and she cared about me like crazy. I had never had a girlfriend before so a lot of things were new to me. Then it happened. I found myself looking through her things. Looking at mail, at old photos of her past relationships, any indication that she would be unfaithful. I remember telling myself "I feel like my dad right now".We even went as far as to go to counseling. That didn't last long. She broke up with me at the end of the year. Guess what I did- I lost it. Took a bunch of pills and told her goodbye over the phone. Before I knew it paramedics were at my house. Drove me to the hospital and pumped my stomach. It took a long time before I could get over her. Even to this day I wonder how she is. Since then I've had a few girlfriends. Only two serious ones. I told myself I would never act like that again. Thought I was cured of the jealousy thing and being out of control. Had one girlfriend for two years. I don't remember really becoming out of control with her. I might of been jealous a little but for the most part I felt safe and trusted her. I broke it off with her after two years. Found out that I wasn't really in love with her. Then a year and a half later I met another girl who I would spend the next three years with. She was nice. In the beginning there was a problem with her ex boyfriend living across the street (literally across the street) so I was immediately threatened by that. Once we got through that issue we were okay. However, there were times where we would get into an argument because I thought she was checking out another guy. It didn't happened all that often, but it happened. Jealousy rears it's ugly head. All signs of traits my father handed down to me. The relationship wasn't all that bad. I felt secure with her as well ( I guess to a point). I broke it off with her after three years. I wasn't in love with her either. Flew to Florida to stay with my Dad Jan. 2005.  Oct 2005 met another girl who I fell head over heels for. Where do start with this relationship. I guess we both were taken by each other so much we just jumped into things without getting to know each other. Then I started to find things out. She was a girl who felt the need to keep in touch with a lot of her ex's. One of her ex's she actually had a freelance job through that tied her to him. That did not make me feel comfortable to say the least. We argued about that a few times. She was a free spirit. Something I actually liked about her, but it also was to work against me. I remember one evening accusing her of looking at the bartender to much and that I was leaving her. She cried all night and couldn't understand why I was doing this. Well, we made up but things were only going to get worse. We argued quite a bit and I always threatened to leave her. Finally, the day it happened. I called her on her cell one evening and she didn't call back. Not like her so I drove down to her apartment to spy on her. Sure enough she was there with her ex hanging out. Everything I learned from my father came out that night. I went back to my car took a crowbar and knocked on the door. I yelled at her telling her "How could she do this to me"! She kept saying to me, "It's innocent. We were just hanging out and talking about the job". Scared, her ex boyfriend he left in a hurry. I went into her apartment and smashed her computers and other belongings. It crushed me. That was by far the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. I'm back in California now, and trying to get over all of that. I'm alone and hurting and still living the legacy my father left for me. I want deeply to find answers and stop this reign of jealousy and torment that I leave. I want a stable & healthy relationship. I don't want to relive my parents marriage over & over again.

                                                                                                                           William
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