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Author Topic: Uncontrollable Thoughts (repost)  (Read 7182 times)
shortnsassy60613
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« on: September 05, 2010, 06:04:10 PM »

OK... so the spelling error in the Subject Line was making me crazy so I'm re posting with a few more details!!

I'm an attractive, smart, professional 50 year old woman that looks like she's about 38 years old.  I'm confident in my abilities, personally and professionally.  I walk with my head up, and in command of my surroundings.  My life experiences make me have a very relaxed view of life...

However, when I'm in a relationship everything changes.  If anything seems amiss, I begin to get uncontrollable thoughts that he no longer loves me, that I've done something to upset him, that just because I don't hear from him in a time frame I've allotted in my own head that he's breaking up with me.  I'm making myself a total wreck and then I become the obsessive woman by asking if everything is OK, and seeking reassurance. 
I drive men away.

I don't have these thoughts about anything except relationships!  Never about work, or family.

Through therapy I know where the worry about being abandoned comes from.  When I was about 6 or 7 my mother took me to the local county children's home and told me that is where bad boys and girls were taken, so I'd better be good or I'd end up living there.   I can feel, to this day that terror at being abandoned if I wasn't good.  Many years later, after I was married, I found out that she and my husband had a 5 year long affair... talk about abandonment!!!  After I was divorced, I met and married a wonderful man.  He was my soul mate that I was going to be with till my dying breath... but, life and death happen, and he got cancer and died.   

I just want to be in love and shown love and yet can't seem to get past the fear of being abandoned.  It starts with worry, and turns into an overwhelming anxiety.  Thoughts of the what ifs...  he hasn't called, what did I do or say that's made him not want to be in a relationship anymore, etc...  Then, when I do speak up with my concerns, I just know that I've seemed too needy and start apologizing for having an opinion!  It's a vicious cycle of needing affirmation and that scaring men away. 

Can anyone help me get my thoughts back into perspective?  It may be too late for this relationship that I'm in right now, but I have to figure out how to stop the cycle!!
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Evan
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« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2010, 11:34:22 AM »

The only way that I see is to deal with your child-inside's fear of abandonment.  This can be done with a therapist or perhaps with friends (if they have the awareness and are willing to put in the work).  It may be possible to begin with small steps.  Perhaps you could start being bad in ways that don't affect anyone and in places where no one will see you. 

This may be a leap.  Have you equated being good with performing well - at your job for instance?  If so try giving yourself indulgences for nothing at all, just because you are you.

I hope these suggestions are useful to you or stimulate your thinking.
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Sueblue
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« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2010, 12:01:05 PM »

Hello, shortnsassy. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I do not think that there is much I can do over the Internet, as I would need to work with you personally and I don't have Skype. However, if you think that it may help, I could share a few experiences of being on the other side of one of these relationships. PM me if interested.
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Lou_1973
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« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2010, 08:46:38 AM »

Hi, I think you might find this very helpful:  http://www.stopunwantedthoughts.com/?afl=52984

It is one of the many programs developed by the WCCL Network -- I highly recommend their work, I've used many of their programs myself with great success, although I haven't needed the "Stop Unwanted Thoughts" one.

Regards

Lou...
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jrc
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2010, 02:40:50 PM »

Hi, I have found 2 e-books by Bob Grant to be very helpful with relationships. Mending them and just what you can avoid in the next one. They kind of have silly titles, but they are ultimately about understanding men and how we react to them. The first is The Woman That Men Adore and Never Want to Leave. The other is How Do I Get Him Back. Again the titles are silly but I believe the information is very valuable.
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rongabby
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2010, 02:28:05 AM »

I am really reluctant to give anyone advice so it is up to you to determine if this apples to you.

Experience brought me to a point where I was having extreme unwanted thoughts. Without going through all of the details of what I went through, it occurred to me that like pain the unwanted thoughts were just a signal that something was wrong.

Could it be that your subconscious is trying to let you know that you are overly concerned with pleasing someone else in a relationship and that you need to realize that no relationship is more important than your own happiness with yourself.

I used to mentally list the worst things that could happen if my thoughts were realized, like what would happen if everyone thought I was not a great person. Does what they think really define me or is there a greater judge who's values I should hold dear?

As I asked the questions, through attrition the power of the thoughts disintergrated. For me relief followed.


Ron
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shortnsassy60613
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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2010, 12:30:05 PM »

Ron,

Thank you for your thoughts!  I'd come to the exact same conclusion.  It seems that the uncontrollable thoughts, worry, anxiety, panic... what ever you want to call it, is just my gut telling me that something is wrong. And, as I ignored the slight nagging, it became worse and worse, as though God had to throw a brick at me and say "You aren't supposed to be in this relationship! You're more interested in pleasing the guy than you are about pleasing yourself".  If we forget to love ourselves first, who is going to love us?

The minute I decided to end the relationship, the anxiety diminished by 90% and within a couple of days, it was gone altogether. 

I've come to the conclusion that when there's something amiss, my inner being lets me know!  I just need to learn to listen before it becomes an obsession!

Thank you again!
~K~
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 12:34:00 PM by shortnsassy60613 » Logged
rongabby
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« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2010, 02:14:04 PM »

Just to clarify, I am not saying that what's wrong is the relationship but the need to be validated by someone else. Your subconscious may continue to bring it up until you resolve that issue. I am not sure the the other person is really an issue.

When you have a fear it will persist until you take away its power. Ron
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shortnsassy60613
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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2010, 12:35:27 PM »

I agree that I feel I need validation, and I'm working on loving myself first, and putting my needs first.  In this particular relationship, he had pulled away completely, due to issues of his own.  My inner knowing was telling me that I had to make a break. 

Yes, I'm working diligently on figuring out how to NOT have to be validated in order to feel loved! 

I wish I could just turn a switch because this is difficult!!
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rongabby
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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2010, 09:30:58 PM »

Yes, I know what you mean, we would all probably like an instant kill switch to stop the noise. The reality is that it is a process of gaining a new understanding which will stick with you for eternity; that understanding is like an initiation which can never be revoked.

Look at pains and fears as an opportunity to elevate yourself to a level of total freedom.  Smiley

Ron
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sahirea
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« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2010, 09:00:04 AM »

you need to be true with your self to except the one u r
every one of us have thoughts thats bothering him in some how but u must read books for experts to have a full answer

regards
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Giving up doesn't always means that u r weak , it sometimes means that u r strong enough to let go!
Pretty Damsel
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« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2010, 12:48:17 PM »

You can discipline your mind just as any other tool you have. Discipline doesn't mean punish by the way, it means training that develops self control. When unwanted thoughts creep into your brain simply say, "Thank you for sharing" and let it go. You could even add, "we aren't dealing with that right now".

Everybody has some degree of this. Don't stress over it unless you think it may be socio or psychopathic and pushing you to do harm.
  Wink

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For Fast Acting Relief, Visit:
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