Self-Development Forum

General => Post your Problem! => Topic started by: hope on August 09, 2006, 07:24:16 PM

Title: total devastation
Post by: hope on August 09, 2006, 07:24:16 PM
my youngest of my two daughters and two granddaughters has lived 3hrs drive away for 8years now and needless to say it is difficult to be close and involved at the best of time. now my what i thought was very close older daughter has just suddenly told me she and her husband and two very young grandsons are too moving away 'and in two weeks' a 4hr drive away. a divorced normally level headed fun lady, a young at heart 47 year old! yep that was me until monday just gone when my elsest daughter dropped what can only descibe has a bomb which has left me feeling totally devastated and alone and if it was'nt for a friend staying with me at the moment i honestly do not think i would of come through the last couple of days..i know in time i will feel better but i feel my life is in pieces and it will never be as complete again.
i wonder if i do not pack up my life here and go chasing my family will i ever find other things in my life to fill this huge gap of now being here in another city all alone. please if there is anyone who has been in a similar position i would really like to hear how you.

Title: Re: total devastation
Post by: LinT on August 10, 2006, 06:22:22 PM
I was recommended to write to you by your Moderator on this site.   About 4 years ago I came to live in Holland.   I left behind my mother (aged 80 at that time) my two grown up kids and all my friends

I had no choice, my husband had a job here and I had a large business in England having been successfully self employed for 25 years.   So you can imagine how it felt having to leave it all behind.

I realised I had to let go and it was selfish of me to try to hang on to those things.   My kids are independent and need their own lives, my mother was fairly independent and my friends,  well I expected them all just to fade away.  They didnt they are still visiting me four years later on holiday and my mother comes three times a year and loves it, she is now 84.

Starting all over again in a strange country is probably the hardest thing some of us may have to do.   I didnt expect that I would be able to get on in life at all. The culture is different and you can be isolated if you allow youself to be that way.   Life is what YOU make it.  I mean to say that 4 hours is nothing in comparison to having your family on the other side of the North Sea!!  With all the cheap flights there are these days, it costs very little to fly.

Then things changed.  I rode a bike for the first time in years, I drove my car on the other side of the road, I learned to speak Dutch, I found a new hobby and became a volunteer on a nature reserve.   We bought a lovely house, we travelled through Europe and things changed for the better.  I became a writer and wrote my first novel. 

You see it doesnt have to be all gloom and doom.   Kids are just a stage in our lives,  butwhat about YOU!!  When did you last give yourself a pampering session at the hairdresser or go on holiday with your best friend.  What about the man in your life who is waiting just around the corner to meet you?   Join a club or go on holiday and meet someone.   Everyone needs someone and your daughters are not necessarily the answer.   I think you may be lonely and need male company, you are hanging on to your daughter because she is all you have.   Dont you think maybe this is a teeny weeny bit selfish?  (Apologies for that one! BUT....)  I think you deserve better.   I suggest you start thinking about YOU and your NEW lifestyle.  Make plans to do new things with new people.   Dont be scared to make steps towards having a great time. I think you have lots of time for yourself now.  Did you have time for your mother in the same way your daughter is supposed to spend time with you?  If your answer is no then dont expect your daughter to do the same. If your answer is yes then maybe you should ask if it was the right situation.  Most kids are not really that interested in their parents needs after the age of 12!!

Empty nest syndrome is common amongst all mothers.   But isnt this the best opportunity for you to splash out and have a great time.   I think you should be happy for your daughter, it is what she wants.